So after the trauma of Tuesday night,which most of you will be aware of, i decided to take my dad's advice and phone my old family GP. She made an appointment for me as a temporary resident for today at 3pm, even though she doesn't start until 4pm and i'm not her patient anymore.
i explained to her what's been going on and what happened on Tuesday night, and she stands by her original diagnosis that i have manic depression and seriously need to be treated, especially as i start this new job on Tuesday. She doubled my dose of anti-psychotics so have gone from 400mg per day to 800mg, the maximum dose, and some temazepam. She is also going to get in touch with my old psychiatrist, Dr Mitchell to see me again as he also diagnosed me with manic depression and is an expert in the field. She wants us to try Lithium to see if it will help, but waiting to see what Dr Mitchell suggests as he might have another idea, such as depo-injection.
This Dr has known me since i was born and has been with me all through my experiences so knows me inside out. It's comforting having her as my GP again (i've joined the practice again) as i know she will do everything she can to help me get better.
i can't live like this anymore, it's too distressing, not only to me but to everyone around me.
Thank you again for all your support, you all mean the absolute world to me. Amy, Lisa, Sarah, Lotte, Ruth, Jaycee and so many others. You are al amazing and i'd be lost without my twitter family.
Love to you all xx
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Sunday, 17 July 2011
why is it not getting better?
So i'm still at my parents 2 weeks later. i was only meant to be staying the weekend but i've been struggling so much i've ended up staying here for 2 weeks and not feeling any better.
i wish i knew of some kind of end to all this. The only way out i know of is suicide, but i don't think i could do it to my family and friends. Everyone has put so much effort in to my life and building relationships. They try to be there for me but can't fully comprehend the torment i suffer, so they have to sit back and watch me fall to pieces.
so what have i been doing? Not alot. Spending my mornings sleeping for one. Then about mid day i get up, take my meds and have a bath. i'm currently on amisulpride, sertraline and propranolol, but i've also been taking strong painkillers like codydramol, dihydracodeine and tramadol to knock me out. The supply is running very low though so i don't know what i'm going to do when they're all gone. i'll probably go back to drinking. i just can't stand to be completely concious and aware of my thoughts, they're too distressing and scary. The amisulpride is supposed to amend that but it doesn't do very much for me apart from making the voices etc go away.
i'm still waiting to hear back from the mental health services. i got referred about 2 weeks ago and still haven't heard anything. i'm going to have to go back to my GP and see if there's anything he can do to help in the meantime. i can't go on abusing painkillers. That's what killed one of my lovely friends whom i met in hospital. But i guess if that's the route i'm going down anyway i might as well carry on.
Sorry, this is so depressing but i'm being completely honest and need to be able to get out what i'm feeling.
i'm really struggling with wanting to self harm. My body is already a mess from 12 years of cutting and burning myself and i haven't actually done anything like that for about 8 months. It would be very hard to hide any wounds now as my parents are so used to seeing my around the house in short sleeves and pyjama shorts. i'm comfortable enough around them for them to see my scars, they've seen them so many times anyway. But they'd be suspicious if i suddenly started covering up again. i need to try and take some control.
Well currently i'm a bit spaced out due to taking some painkillers so not feeling too distressed, although i have to go out for a family meal tonight for my cousins birthday. i really don't want to go but my cousin has just turned 18 and i haven't seen her for about a year so she wants me there. i'll just have to suck it up and go.
i want to say thank you to my lovely amazing friends on twitter, especially Amy and Jaycee. i'd be completely lost without the support i've had on twitter. It means the absolute world to me and i'm so grateful to everyone who sends me nice comments of support and encouragement. i love you all.
Gems xx
i wish i knew of some kind of end to all this. The only way out i know of is suicide, but i don't think i could do it to my family and friends. Everyone has put so much effort in to my life and building relationships. They try to be there for me but can't fully comprehend the torment i suffer, so they have to sit back and watch me fall to pieces.
so what have i been doing? Not alot. Spending my mornings sleeping for one. Then about mid day i get up, take my meds and have a bath. i'm currently on amisulpride, sertraline and propranolol, but i've also been taking strong painkillers like codydramol, dihydracodeine and tramadol to knock me out. The supply is running very low though so i don't know what i'm going to do when they're all gone. i'll probably go back to drinking. i just can't stand to be completely concious and aware of my thoughts, they're too distressing and scary. The amisulpride is supposed to amend that but it doesn't do very much for me apart from making the voices etc go away.
i'm still waiting to hear back from the mental health services. i got referred about 2 weeks ago and still haven't heard anything. i'm going to have to go back to my GP and see if there's anything he can do to help in the meantime. i can't go on abusing painkillers. That's what killed one of my lovely friends whom i met in hospital. But i guess if that's the route i'm going down anyway i might as well carry on.
Sorry, this is so depressing but i'm being completely honest and need to be able to get out what i'm feeling.
i'm really struggling with wanting to self harm. My body is already a mess from 12 years of cutting and burning myself and i haven't actually done anything like that for about 8 months. It would be very hard to hide any wounds now as my parents are so used to seeing my around the house in short sleeves and pyjama shorts. i'm comfortable enough around them for them to see my scars, they've seen them so many times anyway. But they'd be suspicious if i suddenly started covering up again. i need to try and take some control.
Well currently i'm a bit spaced out due to taking some painkillers so not feeling too distressed, although i have to go out for a family meal tonight for my cousins birthday. i really don't want to go but my cousin has just turned 18 and i haven't seen her for about a year so she wants me there. i'll just have to suck it up and go.
i want to say thank you to my lovely amazing friends on twitter, especially Amy and Jaycee. i'd be completely lost without the support i've had on twitter. It means the absolute world to me and i'm so grateful to everyone who sends me nice comments of support and encouragement. i love you all.
Gems xx
Sunday, 10 July 2011
just another day
So here i am, starting a blog.
What to say?
There are so many thoughts racing in my mind right now that i'm unsure of what to write about first. i'll talk about my mood. Today, like most days as of late, i feel a total sense of despair in my world. Everything feels like it's slipping out of my fingers and getting out of control, so much so that my thoughts of suicide are ever increasing. i wish i had the balls to just get it over and done with, properly this time, no half hearted overdoses or hanging myself near a chair so i can jump back on when the pressure gets too much in my brain & i start to black out. Something permanent & ultimate. But i honestly don't think i can. i'm terrified of what waits for me. It could potentially be worse than the here and now. Could i really cope with an eternity of this? Possibly 10 times worse than this? But this is suffocating me. The desperation, the immense fear, the panic, the intensity of my low mood.
i long to escape. Sleep, alcohol, drugs...anything that will take me out of my insane mind just even for a short while.
i want to tell you my story; the reasons i have become this being. Yes there are genetic factors to consider due to most of my family having suffered from psychiatric illness, but there are environmental factors at hand also. i wasn't born this messed up. Life has been long and arduous for my 24 short years of existence, more so than most 60 year olds have encountered. A lot has happened and i have been used, abused & left with a deep hatred for myself.
i will tell you one day, either through YouTube or through here. It's not an easy story to tell but one which i feel i need to be open about. You can't possibly begin to understand unless you know the facts.
Genetics cause my brain to be imbalanced. Not enough serotonin and too much dopamine cause massive fluctuations in my mood. Some people call it manic depression, some don't. i don't need a label for it though. It is what it is. The highs are great to start with. i'm so productive and life is fun. But it becomes too intense and then psychosis sets in, where by i start to see things and hear things and experience things that aren't real and that others don't experience. Often times i feel i am gifted; that i have a connection with another life that allows me to see the truth & advise people in this dimension what will become of them. Other times i think it must have all been a dream. It sounds too far fetched to ever have any truth in it. When my mood eventually drops, it drops to a place of immense darkness. It's where i am now. It' very quiet here. Dark and quiet and suffocating and consuming. i hate it.
So here i am, my first blog. Make of it what you will. i can't promise it's going to be exciting, but it's going to be honest.
x
What to say?
There are so many thoughts racing in my mind right now that i'm unsure of what to write about first. i'll talk about my mood. Today, like most days as of late, i feel a total sense of despair in my world. Everything feels like it's slipping out of my fingers and getting out of control, so much so that my thoughts of suicide are ever increasing. i wish i had the balls to just get it over and done with, properly this time, no half hearted overdoses or hanging myself near a chair so i can jump back on when the pressure gets too much in my brain & i start to black out. Something permanent & ultimate. But i honestly don't think i can. i'm terrified of what waits for me. It could potentially be worse than the here and now. Could i really cope with an eternity of this? Possibly 10 times worse than this? But this is suffocating me. The desperation, the immense fear, the panic, the intensity of my low mood.
i long to escape. Sleep, alcohol, drugs...anything that will take me out of my insane mind just even for a short while.
i want to tell you my story; the reasons i have become this being. Yes there are genetic factors to consider due to most of my family having suffered from psychiatric illness, but there are environmental factors at hand also. i wasn't born this messed up. Life has been long and arduous for my 24 short years of existence, more so than most 60 year olds have encountered. A lot has happened and i have been used, abused & left with a deep hatred for myself.
i will tell you one day, either through YouTube or through here. It's not an easy story to tell but one which i feel i need to be open about. You can't possibly begin to understand unless you know the facts.
Genetics cause my brain to be imbalanced. Not enough serotonin and too much dopamine cause massive fluctuations in my mood. Some people call it manic depression, some don't. i don't need a label for it though. It is what it is. The highs are great to start with. i'm so productive and life is fun. But it becomes too intense and then psychosis sets in, where by i start to see things and hear things and experience things that aren't real and that others don't experience. Often times i feel i am gifted; that i have a connection with another life that allows me to see the truth & advise people in this dimension what will become of them. Other times i think it must have all been a dream. It sounds too far fetched to ever have any truth in it. When my mood eventually drops, it drops to a place of immense darkness. It's where i am now. It' very quiet here. Dark and quiet and suffocating and consuming. i hate it.
So here i am, my first blog. Make of it what you will. i can't promise it's going to be exciting, but it's going to be honest.
x
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