why is it not getting better?

So i'm still at my parents 2 weeks later.  i was only meant to be staying the weekend but i've been struggling so much i've ended up staying here for 2 weeks and not feeling any better.
i wish i knew of some kind of end to all this.  The only way out i know of is suicide, but i don't think i could do it to my family and friends.  Everyone has put so much effort in to my life and building relationships.  They try to be there for me but can't fully comprehend the torment i suffer, so they have to sit back and watch me fall to pieces.

so what have i been doing?  Not alot.  Spending my mornings sleeping for one.  Then about mid day i get up, take my meds and have a bath.  i'm currently on amisulpride, sertraline and propranolol, but i've also been taking strong painkillers like codydramol, dihydracodeine and tramadol to knock me out.  The supply is running very low though so i don't know what i'm going to do when they're all gone.  i'll probably go back to drinking.  i just can't stand to be completely concious and aware of my thoughts, they're too distressing and scary.  The amisulpride is supposed to amend that but it doesn't do very much for me apart from making the voices etc go away.

i'm still waiting to hear back from the mental health services.  i got referred  about 2 weeks ago and still haven't heard anything.  i'm going to have to go back to my GP and see if there's anything he can do to help in the meantime.  i can't go on abusing painkillers.  That's what killed one of my lovely friends whom i met in hospital.  But i guess if that's the route i'm going down anyway i might as well carry on.

Sorry, this is so depressing but i'm being completely honest and need to be able to get out what i'm feeling.
i'm really struggling with wanting to self harm.  My body is already a mess from 12 years of cutting and burning myself and i haven't actually done anything like that for about 8 months.  It would be very hard to hide any wounds now as my parents are so used to seeing my around the house in short sleeves and pyjama shorts.  i'm comfortable enough around them for them to see my scars, they've seen them so many times anyway.  But they'd be suspicious if i suddenly started covering up again.  i need to try and take some control.

Well currently i'm a bit spaced out due to taking some painkillers so not feeling too distressed, although i have to go out for a family meal tonight for my cousins birthday.  i really don't want to go but my cousin has just turned 18 and i haven't seen her for about a year so she wants me there.  i'll just have to suck it up and go.

i want to say thank you to my lovely amazing friends on twitter, especially Amy and Jaycee.  i'd be completely lost without the support i've had on twitter.  It means the absolute world to me and i'm so grateful to everyone who sends me nice comments of support and encouragement.  i love you all.

Gems xx