just another day

So here i am, starting a blog.


What to say?

There are so many thoughts racing in my mind right now that i'm unsure of what to write about first.  i'll talk about my mood.  Today, like most days as of late, i feel a total sense of despair in my world.  Everything feels like it's slipping out of my fingers and getting out of control, so much so that my thoughts of suicide are ever increasing.  i wish i had the balls to just get it over and done with, properly this time, no half hearted overdoses or hanging myself near a chair so i can jump back on when the pressure gets too much in my brain & i start to black out.  Something permanent & ultimate.  But i honestly don't think i can.  i'm terrified of what waits for me.  It could potentially be worse than the here and now.  Could i really cope with an eternity of this?  Possibly 10 times worse than this?  But this is suffocating me.  The desperation, the immense fear, the panic, the intensity of my low mood.

i long to escape.  Sleep, alcohol, drugs...anything that will take me out of my insane mind just even for a short while.

i want to tell you my story; the reasons i have become this being.  Yes there are genetic factors to consider due to most of my family having suffered from psychiatric illness, but there are environmental factors at hand also.  i wasn't born this messed up.  Life has been long and arduous for my 24 short years of existence, more so than most 60 year olds have encountered.  A lot has happened and i have been used, abused & left with a deep hatred for myself.

i will tell you one day, either through YouTube or through here.  It's not an easy story to tell but one which i feel i need to be open about.  You can't possibly begin to understand unless you know the facts.

Genetics cause my brain to be imbalanced.  Not enough serotonin and too much dopamine cause massive fluctuations in my mood.  Some people call it manic depression, some don't.  i don't need a label for it though.  It is what it is.  The highs are great to start with.  i'm so productive and life is fun.  But it becomes too intense and then psychosis sets in, where by i start to see things and hear things and experience things that aren't real and that others don't experience.  Often times i feel i am gifted; that i have a connection with another life that allows me to see the truth & advise people in this dimension what will become of them.  Other times i think it must have all been a dream.  It sounds too far fetched to ever have any truth in it.  When my mood eventually drops, it drops to a place of immense darkness.  It's where i am now.  It' very quiet here.  Dark and quiet and suffocating and consuming.  i hate it.

So here i am, my first blog.  Make of it what you will.  i can't promise it's going to be exciting, but it's going to be honest.

x